If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
