oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He felt like a one man threesome
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
