take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
