I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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