Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
me + whiskey = a bad person
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
