I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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