The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
