last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
