chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
