So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
