just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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