im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Let's get the cat blown out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
