I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
