I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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