just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
