Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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