your parents love me but you hate me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
