So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
