Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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