Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
