My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
