Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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