I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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