After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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