I haven't been this sober since birth.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
