My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
being pregnant is like rehab
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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