thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
