I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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