My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
