Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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