Your face is a jimmy john
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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