What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
