How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
