like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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