I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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