I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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