I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
