oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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