not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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