a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
