if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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