We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
