He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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