When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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