I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
