What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
