i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
