I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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