theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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