haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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